my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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