I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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