Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
