3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
