Too much gin, very little bucket
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
