I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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