I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
