I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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