I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
