Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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