Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
