My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
