i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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