I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
