No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm jealous of your bromance
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
