Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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