My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
