The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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