If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
