I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
