I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
