i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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