and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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