just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
