Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
