It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
