I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
