So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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