shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
