I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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