I love black thongs
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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