my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
