I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
whose parrot is this?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
