Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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