Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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