i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
