I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
