My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
