This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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