There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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