he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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