ya dads aren't the best wingmen
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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