i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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