This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
