Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
