My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
