you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
