my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
