take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
