I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
