she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
