im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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